Trying So Hard

My project over the last two days has been to enter all my bank transactions since last December (2002) into Microsoft Money, to find out where my money goes and create a budget. Despite being a generally organized and responsible person, financial things make me really anxious, and I finally decided it was time to take a good look at how I'm spending money.

The interesting thing that's come out of this is that each month, as I go through the expenses, I remember so many things... trips we took together, hoping that getting away might resurrect what was fading between us... dinner out at New Years, at Valentine's Day, both wonderful nights though one led to more distance while the other brought us, temporarily, closer together again... movies on weekdays... so many movies... lots of groceries, I needed him so much every night, so I would make dinner and hope he'd come over. Looking back like this brings back other memories, of course - the baseball game that I took my parents to, my trip to Aspen to visit friends, my trip to NH to E's theater group, San Francisco a little more recently. What's more and more clear to me, though, is how long we were struggling - no one can say we didn't try. It's bittersweet.

I'll leave this post with a song lyric:

Will you say, "I do" even when you think you don't
And hope things can change in a day?
Will I say, "I love you" even when those are just words
The way words sometimes are when you pray?

This is from Nerissa & Katryna Nields, "Heading Home" (on Love & China)