Thursday, September 30, 2004

Chemistry

It has been a long time since I had a random fit of crying, but last night and this afternoon I could feel one rising up inside me, that old drowning feeling. I didn't give in to it. I'm trying to fight this demon off. I had invited a few people to go to a poetry slam with me tonight, but I backed out. I'm hoping that getting more than six hours of sleep will reset my brain chemistry to normal. I've resisted the urge - until tonight - to retreat, to stop spending time with people, to hide from things. I went to my friend's comedy show despite exhaustion and torrential rain because I care about her and had promised I would go and I wanted to laugh. I went to yoga last night despite desperately wanting to skip it because I know that once I start withdrawing it will only get worse. I was kind of bitchy to my students on Tuesday and upon reflection, realized that the most important thing is not to take stuff out on them, and Wednesday and Thursday were much better.

I can see the bad thought patterns creeping in - the thought pattern about having no friends and losing the ones I have through neglect, about not being good enough at anything, the blizzard of negativity.

Oh--and the fear that the people I care about can't handle any of this. My old friends can deal, we've all been there for each other time and again. It's the new people I can't completely trust. The thing is, I'm not planning on allowing myself to get depressed. And I don't particularly want to be cheered up. I just want the people I care about to know that I'm fighting a battle inside no matter how pulled together I appear on the outside.

I'm determined that a few night's sleep and time spent working and organizing will put me on firmer ground and the brain chemistry will follow. I am not going to let myself drown; I know which way is up, this time.

4 Comments:

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9:20 PM  
Anonymous Erica said...

Hi,

Ran across your blog while looking for pictures of classrooms for my student film. Teaching seems like one of the hardest, most thankless jobs to me. When I was growing up I adored my teachers and thought they were the most awesome people and deserved to be treated like kings and queens. I foolishly believed that everyone else thought the same way. These days I have a newfound respect for teachers, partly because I still think they're awesome and deserve to be treated like royalty, but mostly now because I know they don't get the respect they deserve, and yet continue to teach anyway.

I am sorry to hear of your troubles, and I worry for your students as it sounds like they live in a tough neighborhood. I applaud your efforts to teach them science and your hopes that they will grow up and into bigger and better things! It's tough to fight off depression, but I have faith that you will pull through. You have the spark of a magnificent teacher, and I can see it just through the few blog entries I read! I wish you all the best, and though I probably won't be able to find your blog again, I will continue to think of you and all of my own teachers as you work the hardest but most necessary job of all!

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fight the good fight. Being a student, I can tell you that you are appreciated. Don't give up.

10:57 AM  
Blogger norazila said...

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.
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3:46 AM  

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